The Dating Papers - Latest Comments in Weeding Weird: The Interview

Re: Weeding Weird: The Interview

Seth — Mon, 15 Dec 2008 03:56:43 -0000

Carolin: It's not about looking for faults as much as it is about looking for somebody with a set of faults that do not prevent you from having a sustainable rewarding relationship.

Love that doesn't see the faults of another is not love. It's a blind crush. I'd much prefer to see her faults and still find myself loving her. I know it's true that way.

They do things differently in Sweden? =)

Thanks for stopping by!

Seth

Re: Weeding Weird: The Interview

Carolin Dahlman — Mon, 15 Dec 2008 03:31:36 -0000

Seth, Why are you looking for faults immediately? You will always find them you know... Don't you rather find love?

Carolin Dahlman, love coach.

Re: Weeding Weird: The Interview

Seth — Sun, 14 Dec 2008 21:59:44 -0000

T.S.! I haven't had a conversation with my DNA yet so I'm still in the dark on the pheromone explanation. Sounds very interesting though. I'll be certain to look it up and see what I can learn about it!

Assuming there are multiple people with whom you could have healthy children; how would you go about picking one? Is this DNA-based mating radar specific to you only or does it occur among the general public as well?

And if we're all just trying to find the best person to have children with, how do you explain homosexual sex drives? In this instance, are the pheromones right but the genders don't match?

Those come to mind initially. I'm delighted that you like the blog and even happier that you've found something that gives you hope for a long and rewarding relationship with your husband.

Thanks for visiting and best to you!

Seth

Re: Weeding Weird: The Interview

T.S. Elliott — Sun, 14 Dec 2008 21:26:24 -0000

Dude, this log had so many comments - I didn't have the time to read all of them. Are you kidding, you are like famous now. No wonder you don't have time to come over to my site sometime!!! Well, you want to know how I determine if a relationship will have lasting value?
Of course not, but it was simple for me - DNA and biological drive. I can tell immediately (within 5 minutes) if I am attracted to someone's pheromones. They say that our DNA tells our brains who we are most likely to have healthy children with by their pheromones. Once this happens to me, I can't turn it off. Hence, that is why my husband and I will probably be married forever. It is some chemical process in my head that I have no control over.
Really, it doesn't matter what he does. I can't stay away from him. Maybe you could look it up, they have proven that love is just a biological process, has little to do with emotions. We are all just trying to find the best person to mate with.
Nice blog, Seth!!! :)

Re: Weeding Weird: The Interview

Sara — Sun, 14 Dec 2008 18:29:45 -0000

#3 is my favorite. My date would have to invite his father AND his mother to upstage my worst.

Re: Weeding Weird: The Interview

Seth — Fri, 12 Dec 2008 23:39:34 -0000

Infinity: It's great to know that you've successfully made use of these types of questions. Yes! There's very little worse in a relationship than only realizing after months (or even years) that you have invested so much in the wrong person. Drama and pain galore!

Shawna: I think it's great that you've also discovered that there are many ways to find fulfillment in a relationship!

In terms of arguments, it is so very important to approach disagreements with an eye for understanding and a longing for acceptance. You might check out "Baring Breasts: Courting With Acceptance" as another place I've written about this idea.

Another thing I've learned is to avoid associating a way of thinking with a specific age! I've known wise 7 year-olds and mildly pre-pubescent 65 year-olds! People are full of surprises. The internet increases this factor ten-fold.

I really hope this is the spot for new insights and horizons. For us all! I get so much out of these conversations in the "cellar" below each post. I am grateful to each of you for sharing your voice.

Best to you!

Seth

Re: Weeding Weird: The Interview

Shawna — Fri, 12 Dec 2008 22:24:21 -0000

To Hammer's "The only real way to answer the question as to whether you’ll want to continue talking to them after you’ve fucked them is by fucking them." One does not have to even take a philosophy class to know that this is a poorly formed arguement. A better one would be: the only way you'll know if you will want to continue talking with someone after you have sex with them to think about whether or not you would like to talk with someone after you have sex with them.

If you enjoy talking with someone, you will continue enjoying the conversations whether or not the sex happens, and/or even if the sex does not reach your expectations. Seriously. If you think relations are all about sex, rather than sex being part of a healthy relationship, then you are still are the developmental level of a fifteen year old.

If this site is about "three minutes to a better _date_" then maybe you need to look elsewhere to solve the issues you are dealing with. Then again, this might be just the spot for new insights and horizons.

Re: Weeding Weird: The Interview

Infinity — Fri, 12 Dec 2008 20:33:26 -0000

You're on the money with this, Seth! I agree that it's important do get those things out of the way very early.

When looking for a lasting relationship, you have to look for common pillars that are going to be the foundation. Ignoring those things that are important to you will just set you up for inevitable failure down the road.

You can only ignore it for so long.

So I think it's fair to never short-change yourself and look for responses that you feel are qualified enough to progress the relationship.

And I used to not ask these questions before and I would figure I would find them out later. Always a bad choice, especially when you finally find out and it's not what you were hoping for - family specifically.

Re: Weeding Weird: The Interview

Seth — Fri, 12 Dec 2008 18:31:02 -0000

Tina:

I appreciate your concern! However, I'm more worried about any dating experience you may have had with the unabombers you seem to have had contact with. Do you think any of the questions in my post would have helped you weed them out before you developed an emotional attachment? I'd love to hear your story!

I'm sorry I won't be able to count on you for insight on my "dating manifesto." I so looked forward to reading your thoughts!

Best to you!

Seth

Re: Weeding Weird: The Interview

Tina Tobin — Fri, 12 Dec 2008 18:11:24 -0000

I love these questions Seth. Reading your blogs always makes me think you're witty and insightful, but your Twitter photo makes me think "unabomber."

Anyway, I'll keep reading as long as you don't post anything with manifesto in the title.

Re: Weeding Weird: The Interview

Seth — Fri, 12 Dec 2008 14:10:16 -0000

Alisa: That's a heavy point to ponder! I think your question would possibly work in the later stages of a relationship. Perhaps if, like you, one were deciding whether or not to marry the person in question.

If you were to use that question in the initial stages of the dating process, I think the answer would/should always be "no." Not because I'm an evil or heartless person but because it's very unlikely that choosing to be with a stranger on such terms could lead to a sustainable rewarding relationship!

Thanks for your comment!

Seth

Re: Weeding Weird: The Interview

Alisa Bowman — Fri, 12 Dec 2008 13:16:15 -0000

I have a different test I used when deciding whether or not my husband (then boyfriend) was the one. If he had been hit by a car and paralyzed from the neck down, could I see myself caring for him for the rest of my life? He was the first man I met that got a "yes" so that question.

Re: Weeding Weird: The Interview

Seth — Thu, 11 Dec 2008 19:25:38 -0000

Nicky: When it comes to sharing personal information with others, I couldn't agree more with you! It's very important to build the habit of acceptance and be adventurous when it comes to interacting with new dates and old friends alike!

One of the points I try to stress, especially in this post, is the importance of observing the way in which your SigOt shares the personal information. Many wonderful people come from horrific backgrounds. It is the way they have responded to these experiences and how it appears in their conversation that will give you a better picture of the person you are dealing with.

Yes! Always take things with a grain of salt. I hope you're sprinkling some right now! =) So long as you are trying to communicate more effectively and build sustainable rewarding relationships, you're in progress mode! It's an adventure and I've glad you joined me for a part of it!

Thanks!

Seth

Re: Weeding Weird: The Interview

nicjy — Thu, 11 Dec 2008 19:02:09 -0000

So, funny story. I used to have a list of questions that I would ask before dating anyone. you know the usual, are you married, have you been to prison, are you a serial killeR? type question.
I have learned that many of these question lead to answers that made me want to run and loss faith in people. I also learned that what a person has done in there life makes them who they are and sometimes more interesting.
I also learned that many times I am not willing to share about my past as that scares most potential dates away, as well as friends. My experience with this has yet to be proven wrong!
I guess you could say I no longer look to find someone that accepts me for who I am flaws and all, but more someone who is willing to have a little fun and seems to enjoy a good laugh.
Many times when serious questions come to quickly in a relationship or friendship many don't want the drama or possible pain that could go with. So, my advice is this.
When someone shares something with you when dating, ore just friends take it with a grain of salt. Just because they don't have a great family, ore normal life does not mean they are never going to be someone that could be a good friend or more.

Re: Weeding Weird: The Interview

Seth — Thu, 11 Dec 2008 18:38:25 -0000

Penelope: This entry arose from a conversation I had with Kelli after seeing your post on Twitter about having a phone filled with texts from eager married addicts. Kelli has the same issue and asked for a few ways to weed out the weirdo's.

I should hope you'd accept the shoutout as being positive. Drama is fun to write about and even more fun to read. We thrive on it...but that's no reason to be in personal situations where emotional energy is streaming toward masculine garbage collectors.

How could you read this and think I'm mad at you? =) Really, look into the full-spectrum lighting if you haven't already. You may not cure the drama (I'm not even suggesting you should try with some kinds) but hot tea and fake sunlight will make the drama more fun to write about.

Best to you, and thanks for stopping by!

Seth

Re: Weeding Weird: The Interview

Penelope Trunk — Thu, 11 Dec 2008 18:11:12 -0000

Hi, Seth. Thanks for the shoutout. I think. I can't actually tell if the way you referenced me is good or bad. But I think it's good because I ended up reading all the comments here and I learned so much! Really. I am smarter about dating from reading this comment string. Although I'm not sure if I could ever cure the drama :)

Penelope

Re: Weeding Weird: The Interview

Seth — Thu, 11 Dec 2008 18:05:50 -0000

Kelli! Glad to have you swing by.

As for being the BW of dating, that's okay by me. Just don't get that strange up-creep on your pretty cheekbones, yeah? Every time I see that poor woman I wince when she tries to squeeze out a smile.

I'm glad the mutual inspiration thing is working out so well. =)

Best to you!

Seth

Re: Weeding Weird: The Interview

kelli — Thu, 11 Dec 2008 17:32:31 -0000

Seth,
thank you! Great post and I love your take on including a high quality person in your life as opposed to just bagging every chick you can manage to manipulate into the sac. Girls don't want to be with a man-ho anymore than guys want to be with a girl all their friends have already "bagged." Besides... sex without an emotional connection? What a waste when you can have the real thing with just a little bit of patience and integrity!

I'm with the girls and gals on this one... I've got a bunch of questions that find their way into conversation to help me with my vetting process. And when I ignore the red flags that come up early, I REALLY regret it down the line.

As for the family q -- you are right in that its all how the person answers. My family can be a handful, but thankfully, I've done what I needed to do to get myself into a healthy space where I can love them for who and where they are instead of wishing them different.

Unfortunately on the upstaging date and what would you do for a living ones... it would be hard to upstage some of the dates I've had and stories I've heard. Mostly b/c they tend to pour out their life story and I hear all kinds of stuff that I'm grateful for, but any dating coach would tell them to save till the 3rd... well, ok... tell it NEVER! LOL I suppose its the perils of writing and interviewing for a living... Maybe I am the Bawbrwah Walters of dating.

Keep up the great writing!
kelli

Re: Weeding Weird: The Interview

Seth — Thu, 11 Dec 2008 16:35:17 -0000

Vanessa: You avoid the "insane job recruiter" appearance by creating opportunities to ask the questions. Volunteer a bit of information about yourself and use that as ground to move in with your question.

Jeannette: Thanks for putting things in perspective. I'll keep your constant laughter in mind as I continue to write. =)

Best to you!

Seth

Re: Weeding Weird: The Interview

Good Vibe Coach — Thu, 11 Dec 2008 15:45:26 -0000

Seth, I laugh EVERY SINGLE TIME I read you. Thanks for delivering it on a platter for me!! What a reliably good time you are. lol

Jeannette

Re: Weeding Weird: The Interview

vanessa — Thu, 11 Dec 2008 15:17:34 -0000

Pretty awesome and pretty right on. My problem is that I have yet to meet a guy who has answered these questions "correctly," so to speak. Men seem to hate being asked a series of questions (it makes them noticably grumpy), so how should women approach this without sounding like an insane job recruiter?

Re: Weeding Weird: The Interview

Seth — Thu, 11 Dec 2008 14:15:45 -0000

SingleGal: I'm just not a fan of many online dating options. The problem with asking these questions in an online conversation is that you miss at least half of every answer in lost body language/inflection.

SingleGirl: Thanks! I hope it catches on as a way of approaching relationships instead of gleefully jumping into emotional attachments like they're this week's "Hot Penny Stock."

Thanks for your comments!

Seth

Re: Weeding Weird: The Interview

SINgleGIRL — Thu, 11 Dec 2008 13:59:02 -0000

I like the questions and more importantly I like what you are trying to achieve with them. You're trying to find out the things a person won't come out and tell you about themselves voluntarily (I'm shallow, frivolous, high-strung, materialistic and/or I have a hard time maintaining close relationships with anyone -friends, family, etc).

After you've read a few dozen/hundred online personals ads or logged a few hundred hours talking with singles in pick-up situations you start to realize that just about everyone describes themselves in the same, generic way. And of course, the proliferation of advice for singles about how to be successful just seems to make this worse. It's a sea of sameness. You're trying to get past the generalizations and charade to see if the person is someone you might like to spend quality time with for years to come.

It's a smart idea.

Re: Weeding Weird: The Interview

singlegal — Thu, 11 Dec 2008 13:12:36 -0000

Oohh... I like the questions. Goodbyegal and I were just talking about some sort of "pre-screening" for potential suitors, since we meet most online. Frankly, if I ask an off the wall question, and they don't find the humor in that, fooey on them!

Re: Weeding Weird: The Interview

Hammer — Thu, 11 Dec 2008 12:21:24 -0000

I totally agree that sex in the context of a relationship is much better. In fact I'm in a relationship right now with an incredible woman. But don't you for a second presume that just because a woman is of high quality means that she won't jump into bed with you. If you know what you're doing and how to make it happen, I promise you, she will.